The Worst Infomercials

Ever find yourself relaxing and watching TV in the evenings before going to bed? Neither do we! We have too much homework to do for that, of course! But all those assignments, tests, extracurricular activities, and social events may be keeping you from viewing some of the very best infomercials of all time. That may explain why we decided to cover some of the very worst ones, instead.

Head On

You’re sitting in math class, struggling to come up with the answer to a supposedly “easy” question when suddenly, your head starts to ache. The Advil is nowhere to be found, the vending machine is out of chocolate, and now you are minutes away from having to turn in the most difficult math test of your life. Out of answers? Maybe for the math test. But all you need to solve that pesky headache is a tube of Head On. “Apply directly to the forehead” (as if the product didn’t make that obvious enough) and be amazed by the results.

Brush Aways

Toothbrushes are (apparently) a hassle to carry on-board a plane, toothpaste can leak all over your luggage, and a sink with running water may even be inaccessible (it can happen). Not to worry, simply tackle this problem head on with easy-to-use Brush Aways. Simply rip, slip, brush, and aaah. In seconds your mouth will feel artificially sweet and only slightly sickening. The perfect present for those hard to shop for people.

Ped Eggs

Ever get tired of having to wear bulky socks to cover up your feet? Do you find yourself needing to hide your feet in boots? Then it’s time to invest in the Ped Egg. This revolutionary new device literally shaves the skin off of your foot, discarding the dead skin into a small container. The absolutely beautiful looking raw skin beneath will be fresh and smooth, guaranteed. Prepare to dazzle others with the softness of your heels.

Bump It

Going to an all-girls school is no excuse for leaving the house without a little flair in the mornings. Now, get those 1960s hair-dos back in style with the Bump It! Flashy, flirty, casual, business – whatever you need, the Bump It has got it. Change your hair from limp and mousy to sleek and bouncy. And ordering now can get you two of these lovely torture-esque devices for the price of one. So go ahead, live a little and get that camel-hump look back into your hair.

Obama Chia

It’s important that we show our nation’s president Barack Obama the respect he deserves regardless of our political affiliations. And how better to do this than with your very own Obama Chia Pet! Simply plant the seeds in Obama’s head, add water, and wait for the luscious hair to grow. What are you waiting for? Go out and buy your Obama Chias today! Hail to the chief, indeed.

Snuggie

Did you miss that very important phone call from Ms. Schrader because your arm got stuck in your blanket? Has there been a time where you wished that there was a way to fashionably wear a blanket around town? Here’s a solution, try the Snuggie. It’s perfect to wear to those late night football games where it get’s chilly. You can impress your date and wear it out to dinner or even the movies. It is ideal for those people who do not know how to properly use a blanket.

Dreamie

If you are satisfied with the Snuggie, you must try the Dreamie! The Dreamie is the perfect item for you to have when you are on a vacation and come across a hotel with sheets that are below your average standards. Though the commercials say that the Dreamie is a combination of a Snuggie and a sleeping bag, it resembles nothing greater than just an ordinary sleeping bag.

Don’t forget to check out the new fleece electric Snuggie that has a built-in thermostat in stores now.

Big Top Cupcake

If you are unsatisfied with the ordinary two and a half inch cupcake, why not try the Big Top Cupcake. The Big Top Cupcake is 25 times larger than the average cupcake with a quick release silicone cake pan. Impress your friends with your amazing ability to smear on frosting and decorate it. Chips are trite, instead bring your decorated Big Top Cupcake to your next social event.

Perfect Brownie Pan

Are you tired of brownies which stick to the pan and come out uniform? If only there was a way to cut brownies into perfect squares. Well now there is a solution. The Perfect Brownie Pan is a nonstick pan which comes with a divider which you simply place in the oven, inserted into your brownie batter. The motto of the Perfect Brownie Pan is “if you know how to use an ice cube tray, than you know how to use the Perfect Brownie Tray.” So judging from the commercial, there is still hope for Americans.

Mighty Putty

Has there been a time in your life where your faucet started leaking and there was nothing else you could do but call the plumber? Or what about that time when your mailbox got knocked off its stand? To fix these problems the late Billy Mayes suggests Mighty Putty, a fast and easy way to fix anything in sight. It has the ability to pull an 80,000 pound truck with apparently no foot on the pedal to help it along. It even acts as a seamless repair for table legs.